My Journey with Depression- Finally Speaking Out

Slowly over the years I have shared about my challenges with anxiety and depression. I wear my semi colon necklace. I share my experiences with close friends and family and have walked with NAMI at their annual Walk for Mental Health. I have taken a strong interest in working with mother's who struggle with mood disorders prior to their pregnancy and those who struggle with Perinatal mood disorders but I have still found myself feeling vulnerable with sharing my experiences openly. I decided though that it's time. It't time to be transparent not only for me but for my family, friends and even strangers who feel so alone in their battle. Mental Health is a taboo subject but I refuse to perpetuate this silence any more.
My husband and his mother both battle with depression as well. I have found that the saying is true "birds of a feather flock together." Having those closest to me understand my experiences always brought me a sense of comfort and each of us have been good at caring for each other in our times of need; until now.
We lost my mother in law Donna almost two weeks two suicide. The woman who I though was stronger than my husband and I put together ended her pain. I am not mad at her. Having been in very low places at times I know this pain all too well. I don't blame myself or anyone else either. Although I think it's normal for us to feel guilt as part of our grief, I know that when you feel that way there is nothing anyone can say to you that makes you feel better.
Fortunately with my depression I have learned that it will end, usually within a week and I just count the days for it to lift. I have often described depression as wearing a terrible sunglasses that distort your reality. What you're seeing and feeling isn't real but you cant take the glasses off. They just come off randomly and go back on whenever they want. I tell myself these feelings aren't real and they will go away soon. Just keep holding on. There is no better feeling than to be able to see life clearly without your depression. However, the fear of when it will come back always lingers in your soul.
I have had people tell me things like, "you have a good life, why don't you see that?" "You let yourself feel this way," "Why do you choose to to be sad?" " You just need to have a girls night." PLEASE for the love of all that is good quit telling me and anyone else who struggles with depression these things. They are not helpful and they make us feel worse. I am quite aware that I have an amazing life. I love my family and we are so blessed to have everything we have. No one chooses to be depressed. In fact, I can't speak for all, but I would say most of us run screaming in fear at the first sight of an episode on its way. I imagine it like a dark hole of demons grabbing at your ankles and dragging you in while you claw your hands in the earth trying to not fall in. Rarely does it blindside you. It's slow and drags you down.
I can remember my first experience with depression. I was in 5th grade. I felt sad and didn't really understand why. I sat in the kitchen on the floor up again our refrigerator and wrote my first piece of poetry. I don't know where that ever ended up. I wish I knew. The writing continued over the years. That and music were my outlets for my feelings. I have saved most of my writing. I have probably two or three three ringed binders filled with it. By high school I had my first what I consider panic attack while standing at my locker. I don't know what triggered it but I could only explain it as thinking I was having a heart attack and dying. Whatever dying feels like, that's the best description for a panic attack.
Its a lonely feeling, depression and anxiety. So when I found out I was pregnant in high school I was actually happy. I'm not sure I have ever shared that with anyone. I honestly thought that this baby would bring me the most joy; That her love would take my pain away. She did and still does bring me tons of joy and I love her dearly but little did I know that it wasn't enough to ward off my depression.
A lot of people with mood disorders will turn to drugs, alcohol or other risky behaviors but coming from a family with addiction issues I was determined to not let myself go that direction. I found my relief in giving to others. One thing my mother in law and I really had in common. I can remember babysitting as a teen and then taking the money I earned and buying the little girl gifts with it. I loved participating in Adopt-a-Family at the holidays and worked for years as a caregiver in the medical field. Ultimately I chose a career as a Doula because I find so much joy in supporting others through their birth experiences.
I've worried though. I've worried that sharing my depression would make people doubt my abilities. I've worried about being judged. The more I grow though, and get to know others the more I realize that I am not alone in this. So many friends, clients and colleagues have shared they journeys with me through their own depression. It makes me realize how important it is to share and speak openly about it. We need each others support. We need to break the stigma; if not for ourselves for our children. I can only hope more awareness will bring this subject to the forefront with other important medical conditions providing better care to those in need. I have so much more to say but I know this is a lengthy post. You can expect a part 2.