My Journey with Depression- Finally Speaking Out

Slowly over the years I have shared about my challenges with anxiety and depression. I wear my semi colon necklace. I share my experiences with close friends and family and have walked with NAMI at their annual Walk for Mental Health. I have taken a strong interest in working with mother's who struggle with mood disorders prior to their pregnancy and those who struggle with Perinatal mood disorders but I have still found myself feeling vulnerable with sharing my experiences openly. I decided though that it's time. It't time to be transparent not only for me but for my family, friends and even strangers who feel so alone in their battle. Mental Health is a taboo subject but I refuse to perpetuate this silence any more.
My husband and his mother both battle with depression as well. I have found that the saying is true "birds of a feather flock together." Having those closest to me understand my experiences always brought me a sense of comfort and each of us have been good at caring for each other in our times of need; until now.
We lost my mother in law Donna almost two weeks two suicide. The woman who I though was stronger than my husband and I put together ended her pain. I am not mad at her. Having been in very low places at times I know this pain all too well. I don't blame myself or anyone else either. Although I think it's normal for us to feel guilt as part of our grief, I know that when you feel that way there is nothing anyone can say to you that makes you feel better.
Fortunately with my depression I have learned that it will end, usually within a week and I just count the days for it to lift. I have often described depression as wearing a terrible sunglasses that distort your reality. What you're seeing and feeling isn't real but you cant take the glasses off. They just come off randomly and go back on whenever they want. I tell myself these feelings aren't real and they will go away soon. Just keep holding on. There is no better feeling than to be able to see life clearly without your depression. However, the fear of when it will come back always lingers in your soul.
I have had people tell me things like, "you have a good life, why don't you see that?" "You let yourself feel this way," "Why do you choose to to be sad?" " You just need to have a girls night." PLEASE for the love of all that is good quit telling me and anyone else who struggles with depression these things. They are not helpful and they make us feel worse. I am quite aware that I have an amazing life. I love my family and we are so blessed to have everything we have. No one chooses to be depressed. In fact, I can't speak for all, but I would say most of us run screaming in fear at the first sight of an episode on its way. I imagine it like a dark hole of demons grabbing at your ankles and dragging you in while you claw your hands in the earth trying to not fall in. Rarely does it blindside you. It's slow and drags you down.
I can remember my first experience with depression. I was in 5th grade. I felt sad and didn't really understand why. I sat in the kitchen on the floor up again our refrigerator and wrote my first piece of poetry. I don't know where that ever ended up. I wish I knew. The writing continued over the years. That and music were my outlets for my feelings. I have saved most of my writing. I have probably two or three three ringed binders filled with it. By high school I had my first what I consider panic attack while standing at my locker. I don't know what triggered it but I could only explain it as thinking I was having a heart attack and dying. Whatever dying feels like, that's the best description for a panic attack.
Its a lonely feeling, depression and anxiety. So when I found out I was pregnant in high school I was actually happy. I'm not sure I have ever shared that with anyone. I honestly thought that this baby would bring me the most joy; That her love would take my pain away. She did and still does bring me tons of joy and I love her dearly but little did I know that it wasn't enough to ward off my depression.
A lot of people with mood disorders will turn to drugs, alcohol or other risky behaviors but coming from a family with addiction issues I was determined to not let myself go that direction. I found my relief in giving to others. One thing my mother in law and I really had in common. I can remember babysitting as a teen and then taking the money I earned and buying the little girl gifts with it. I loved participating in Adopt-a-Family at the holidays and worked for years as a caregiver in the medical field. Ultimately I chose a career as a Doula because I find so much joy in supporting others through their birth experiences.
I've worried though. I've worried that sharing my depression would make people doubt my abilities. I've worried about being judged. The more I grow though, and get to know others the more I realize that I am not alone in this. So many friends, clients and colleagues have shared they journeys with me through their own depression. It makes me realize how important it is to share and speak openly about it. We need each others support. We need to break the stigma; if not for ourselves for our children. I can only hope more awareness will bring this subject to the forefront with other important medical conditions providing better care to those in need. I have so much more to say but I know this is a lengthy post. You can expect a part 2.

I adopted a dog a while ago, she finally adopted me...

When our dog Frankie died I didn't think I would ever be able to get another dog. As much as I longed for one my heart was so broken and in so much pain I couldn't imagine ever putting myself through it again. With that said I was surprised when I found myself surfing Petfinder looking at all the animals in need of homes just weeks after he had passed.
There I found Sweet Pea, better known now as Remi. Short and stubby with her flat face and bulging eyes and snaggled teeth protruding from her lips. I fell in love with her instantly. Every day I found myself logging on just to look at her. Then finally against my husbands wishes I called to inquire about her. There was a family looking at her so I tried not to get too excited, fearing that she was too irresistible and was surely going to be adopted by the family. I filled out an adoption application anyways and let fate handle the rest. Other than the adoption of my children, I have never felt so scrutinized. Was my house big enough? Was my yard big enough? Do I come off as a responsible pet owner? Will they think we have too many children? Was the pet food I had chosen good enough? As silly as that sounds these were true fears of mine. I wanted so badly to be accepted. When we finally received the call that we could adopt her it was hard to have to wait until the weekend to travel to Columbus to get her. I wanted to run out of my office and jump in my car and head straight there!
When we got to the shelter she was everything we had hoped for. I looked behind a counter at her and she was just so darling that I began to cry. Her wiggly little butt could barely control itself. I never thought I would say this, but I longed for the smell of "dog." When the girl brought her out she immediately fell into my lap and rolled on her back for a belly rub. The girl asked if we still wanted her and I laughed, "well of course," why wouldn't I? Thinking back, perhaps there are people that come in and don't feel a connection and decide that isn't the dog for them. That never even crossed my mind. She leaped into our car like she hadn't missed a beat.
When we brought her home Doug fell right in love with her too. But when would she fall in love with us? This is something I had never thought about. We picked her. We took her home. She did not pick us. It was strange bringing a new dog into the house. She was completely wonderful, but surely not Frankie and I needed to quit comparing her to him. The thing I missed most about him was snuggling at night. She was not a snuggler. Instead she would curl up at the foot of the bed. Many nights I found myself grabbing my pillow and slinging it to the foot of the bed and hanging my arm around her. Doug would often call her to the head of the bed where she would happily come give him a kiss and move back to the foot. We both felt disappointed and he would tell her, "you have to learn to snuggle little girl!" At this point I started to wonder what her previous life was like. Was it horrible? Part of me wanted to think so, part of me wanted to think that perhaps we saved her from some terrible past. Then the other part would wonder if she had an adoring family that she missed so much, one that we couldn't replace.
Several months have gone by and I must say, I think she has finally adopted us. It has been slow and steady. She has always seemed to be happy and enjoy us but this is different. She eagerly greets me at the door with her ball or baby ready to get down to business or play depending oh how you look at it. She waits by the door right at three o'clock for the kids to come home from school and goes room to room tucking them into bed at night. Even though she has no ability to sense when she is stepping all over someone, the kids don't mind. They are just happy when she chooses to jump into their bed with them; and when the night ends she hops right into bed with Doug and I. Slowly she has eased her way to the head of the bed. Even taking over my pillow many nights. It really makes me smile  as I wrap my arm over here heat box of a furry bod. It took a while for me to realize that even though I adopted her, she needed to adopt me back. I think this has finally happened. It feels good to know she loves us as much as we love her. She is such a blessing to our family.

My Bugs

Do you ever wonder where time goes? I look at my children and fear time is going too quickly. Such wonderful babies they all were. I have the best memories ever with each of my children. I know there are many many more memories that will come too. It is so much fun to watch them grow and change, and to start new times in their lives. Yet, so difficult too. Never will I know the feeling of a little baby with a furry head of hair in my arms. I look at Luci sometimes and wonder if this will be the last night she ever crawls in bed with me again. I hope not. I wonder if it will be the last time I put her sock on for her or wash her hair for her. She really doesn't need my help anymore. I know that. But I'm not ready to be done. Juliannah just went to her first homecoming. This is a new era in our lives. A new chapter. I loved it. It was so much fun dress shopping for her and I feel blessed that I will get to do this with her several more times not to mention with Cassidy and Luci. I will be so proud the day my boys are in suites slipping a corsage on their dates wrist. My boys are so handsome. Any girl on the receiving end of that flower should be honored, although, I am biast. :)
It's difficult at the same time though. My little Annah is all grown up. Not completely but enough that it makes me step back and look at her. How have I done so far? I see a beautiful young lady. Smart and talented. The whole world at her finger tips. She is amazing. Did I do this? Did I create this person or is she just a random production of society? I would like to take credit for who she is and has become. Especially after having her so young and dealing with so much criticism from people who apparently don't have time to look in the mirror. All I know is, if Nick wants me to read him a story I'm going to. If Cassidy wants to paint my nails rainbow colors, she can. It's becoming clear that these days aren't going to last much longer. Even getting rid of the toys they don't play with is becoming more difficult. Toys are starting to become extinct here. Slowly, but they are, and a few years from now there will be make-up in my bathroom instead of Barbies. Shower gel and razors in my shower instead of bubble bath and bra's in the laundry instead of sponge bob and days of the week undies. I'm not ready for this.

What is an ass burger?

The word Asperger...ass burger?...was not what I had expected to hear when my son was four or five years old and behaving poorly. What in the world was this strange word? My Nicholas has always been a little different. He walks to the beat of his own drum and it's been that way, well, since the day he began to walk.
As a baby Nick was perfect in every way. He was bald and beautiful with big blue eyes. He slept well, nursed well and smiled all the time. He was such a snuggle bug. When he turned about two and a half he became very inquisitive and stopped napping and sleeping in general. It seemed like over night I was bungee cording the chairs to the table, dead bolting the doors and putting up a toddler bed. I felt he was too little for that but he was scaling his crib by one year of age. Quickly the energy was drained from me. He would nose dive from the top bunk of the bed and get up and want more. We made dozens of trips to the emergency room due to his reckless behaviors. He wasn't talking, just babbling, not sleeping, and hurting himself and others on a daily basis. What happened to my baby boy?
People would often say it was the "terrible two's," then it became the "terrible three's," which moved into " he's just a rambunctious little boy," to "what he needs is a good butt beating." By this time Nick was beginning preschool. I feared that he would be sent home for stripping naked at school. (He hated clothing) I knew something had to be done. My son had become a little monster and I cried questioned my parenting skills often. This was the first time I had heard the term ADHD used for my son.
I had heard that term so often. I refused to believe that my son had it. It seemed and still seems like every child has ADHD. I decided that I would not take that as an answer. When I began to talk to other parents and professionals I quickly learned that opinions really are like assholes and every one does have them. It's hard when you feel so alone and you want to talk to someone, but everyone wants to tell you exactly what they think you should do. "Put him on the meds, its the best thing we ever did for our son!" "No, don't put him on meds! try the organic lifestyle!" "My long distant relative removed dairy and gluten and her son is healed now!" Try yoga, try dye free, try meds, try tea!
If anything actually helped it was his preschool teacher who had mentioned that some of his behaviors seemed on the Autism Spectrum. She told me to read about Asperger's syndrome. Asperger's syndrome? My kid could not possibly have that. It sounds way too weird. I was sure in the end some doctor would just remove a Lego from his nose and we would be all better.
I read about asperger's syndrome, and for the first time my eyes lit up and I felt like YES! YES! THIS IS IT! I felt like I had found my son, someone had written a book about him! For a while I felt successful and then at times like a failure. What did I do that made my son this way? What didn't I eat enough of when I was pregnant? I felt like I must have done something wrong for him to be this way. A long time passed before this feeling went away, a long time passed before we had a reason for why Nicholas behaved the way he did.
In the meantime Nick went to kindergarten,on to first, second and now third grade. Every year the same struggles, the same e-mails from teachers, the same phone calls from the principle. "Nicholas was licking his and other peoples desk today, could you please talk to him about this?" "Nicholas was hitting and screaming on the playground." "Nicholas needs help in speech and reading." " Nick is out of his seat at least 12 times a day." Nicholas is frustrated and banging his head on his desk." When the phone rings durning the day. I sigh. Nicholas.
Finally a meeting with his teacher last year prompted me to back to the doctor.I had had it with all the phone calls and the school certainly wasn't going to do anything to help him unless I actually had a diagnosis for his behaviors. After a two hour meeting the doctor referred us back to a neurologist. This time, one of the best she knew of. After meeting just twice with Nick and I. (and a lot of evaluations from me, family and teachers. He made his diagnosis. Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. Asperger's Syndrome is a high functioning form of Autism and apparently it's not uncommon for Autism Spectrum Disorders to go hand in hand with another disorder.
Years ago I would have been heartbroken by this diagnosis. I would have felt guilty like I did in the beginning. But I have had a lot of time to learn. I have read what seems like every book possible on the matter, and I am ok with it. I feel like its not a diagnosis of a problem. It doesn't define who he is. It's simply a description of a very misunderstood person. If you didn't know, it's thought that Albert Einstein, Leonardo Di Vinci, Andy Warhol and even Stephen Spielberg and Bill Gates had/have Asperger's Syndrome. I am so proud of Nicholas. He has come so far over the years, over coming so many obstacles and challenges. I wish other people would look at him for the unique person he is, the creative, bright eyed, loving boy I know.
Next time you see a child having a tantrum in the store look deeper into the situation. Next time you hear a child make a rude comment, ask yourself if he is simply being rude or just very honest. Don't assume they are bad kids and please talk to your children about acceptance of those who are different. God made us all different for a reason. This world would be boring if we were all the same. Be Aware. Asperger's is more than just a funny word.

Learning Something New Everyday...

Yesterday Luci and I took a walk to the market. I have been meaning to get there, it's so much cheaper to but produce there than at the regular grocery store, and it's fresher too. I took the wagon and she took her little shopping cart,complete with baby doll and cellphone. It was terribly hot and I must have looked like a sweating pig by the time we got there, but the trip was worth while.

We examined all of the fruits and veggies, including the giant, and I mean giant zucchini. We also came across some coconut. Luci had never seen a coconut so I decided to buy one for her to try. Trying new foods is always exciting and I love when the kids are willing to do it. We left with a hand full of tomatos, potatos, onions, peppers, zucchini, yellow squash, watermelon, grapes, bananas and a single coconut.

I remember trying coconut as a child. Every once in a while my dad would come home with some strange fruit to try, like pomogranite, star fruit or mangos. Now I'm doing the same things with my children. The one thing I didn't remember was how he opened them. SO, how do you open a coconut?

Luci and I have spent the last 24hrs. looking at our coconut. Shaking it to hear the coconut milk and looking at it some more. Finally we googled how to open a coconut. Suprisingly, people other than me must want to know this also, because there were many entries on the matter. I am a visual learner so I decided to go with the youtube videos. We watched three different videos, trying all three way with no success. I told Luci the one man must have had a Ginsu knife, because he got it right open. Now Luci wants one for her birthday.

Ultimately we got crazy and took the coconut out to the side walk and bashed it repeatedly with a hammer. Yes, we got psycho on it. It split and we brought it in the house where the kids dipped their fingers in it to try the milk. YUCK was unanomous. We then sliced some of the coconut to try. That was more of a silent yuck. I told the kids it tastes better dried. We decided we would like to dry the coconut and try it. Now the question is, How do you dry a coconut? And, how far are we willing to take this coconut exploration?

this post is not about losing 10 lbs...

Perhaps it should be about losing 20! No, No, we won't get into that. This post could be a part II of mobs, mafias and auto immune diseases. It has been a rough month.
I have been hobbling around on one foot for weeks now. My foot is killing me. I have self diagnosed myself as usual, but ended up going to the doctor anyways, not just because of the pain, but because I look like a moron hobbling around on one foot! The first thing he mentioned was how I have began to develop bunions....bunions...I know this! I know! I don't need anyone telling me this! I'm not even 30yrs old yet, BUNIONS should not even be part of my vocabulary. Then he diagnosed me with exactly what I thought I had, hence, why I should have become a doctor and then told me to see a podiatrist and get some orthotics....orthotics?...are we sure I wasn't born in 1922 instead of 82? I don't think so mister. You wont see me walking around in my yoga pants and tank with a pair of big black orthotic Reebok's on. Nope.

tomorrow is Doug and I's anniversary. Three of the children will be home, but Annah is babysitting them so we can go out to dinner. I have nothing cute to wear, I need to lose 20 lbs and I'm hobbling around like a peg legged wench. At this point all I need is some big boobs and a bottle of rum and I could hang out on the black pearl with Captain Jack. I'm not feeling very confident about myself lately...obviously!

BUT, we are house sitting for my parents and it's lovely hanging out there. Very relaxing. I relaxed on the beach this afternoon and then hiked through the garden, I swear the plants are taller than I am. Doug just enjoys all the television channels since I don't let him have them at home! So he is in his glory too!

Baseball is finally over, the picnic is tomorrow, but football and cheer leading starts Monday, so no breaks here!

where have you been you ask?

Busy, busy, busy. The kids are in baseball right now which takes up a lot of time. Drews season just finished and Cassidy and Nicks is just starting. Juliannah has another dance recital. She has been dancing for 10yrs now. That seems crazy to me. Hair boy, I mean Nicholas finally let me give him a hair cut. I settled for the mohawk since it seemed better than the insane mop on his head. And dear Luci, the thought of her heading to kindergarten could send me to therapy.
I have how ever started some of the things I have been wanting to do.
The kids and I went last week and picked strawberries and made jam out of it. Freezer jam of course, I'm not sure if I want to get into canning, however my grandmother would like to teach me how for future reference.
I planted my garden, but not all of my plants came up. This is my first time not planting in pots, but I am still happy and excited. We also have raspberries ready to be picked in the backyard. Ill make jam out of them too if the kids don't get to them first.
I have been making my own laundry soap. I feel so thrifty. Its earth friendly and the cost savings is remarkable. I feel victorious over it! I gave a try at shampoo, but I wasn't very impressed with it. I need to find a different recipe. My husband called me Amish. He doesn't know that I am saving him approximately $250 a year. I should just start pocketing the $5.00 a week I would spend on laundry soap and go on a shopping spree! Not to mention the kids have had a blast making it.
Tonight we are making tapioca pudding. Its one dessert that Andrew can eat, its easy and yummy. I have been in a cooking mood lately. Next month I will be blogging about losing 10lbs!